Being Brave, What Does it Mean?
by JenTWCSINYFAN
Summary: Alex Taylor after her father was missing. How she deals and the things she doesnt show to the others at work.
1. Chapter 1

She was tired but yet couldn't sleep. So she slid out of the bunk that she had gotten used to over the past few months and went downstairs. She knew that Lieutenant Johnson was probably either asleep in his office right now or studying for the captains test. Every few months he'd pick up the book and then shove it back into his desk drawer.

Her feet went toward the well worn couch in their makeshift living room and she sat down on it with her feet tucked under her sort of cat like. She touched her fathers fire academy ring around her neck gently. In her mind she knew he was more than likely gone but yet her heart still held onto hope. She looked at some new cuts on her hands from the pile and sighed softly. These scars would heal but Alex wasn't sure about the emotional ones deeper inside.

She wanted to be brave, had to be for her mother. Beth was just existing these days. She was financially ok without needing to work but yet seemed at loose ends. They just argued about why Alex wouldn't go on paramedic duty again when they saw each other. It was fear talking not really anger.

So here she was at two in the morning in this firehouse, listening to silence . Sometimes that was the loneliest feeling in the world but she didn't really know how to let anybody in or any noise.


	2. A Load On Her Shoulders

Three Thirty am: Alex walked outside for fresh air and looked at the memorial things people had left. Red, white and blue candles, and flowers. People still brought food by most days, usually baked goods or pans of ziti and lasagna. She noticed a fire engine toy and picked it up for a moment. She remembered getting ones like that as a girl. The only one on her block that never played with Barbie dolls. She could even climb trees better than the boys back then. Sometimes she wished for those simpler times to be back .

She went inside again closing the front door quietly and then back upstairs to the bunks. She would at least lay down for a while if not actually sleep. It was only a few more hours until she was off with the rest of the guys for the day. Then what, maybe she'd go home and look at what shape her apartment was in. Or just go by the pile. It didn't matter really, her off time was her own. She wanted someone or something to help her feel again. It would be better than walking around numb like this. Even worse was everybody saying they were sorry all the time. For what, Angus had gone the way he wanted to, helping people and his city. Maybe she should take a break from the squad. But no decisions had to be made right now. She needed the routine and the guys right now even if she hadn't really said it out loud.


	3. One Morning

Later that morning: Billy brewed coffee for the guys since he was the first one downstairs. Then he saw Alex on their couch sitting there looking cat like with her feet tucked under her again.

He said" Hey , are you getting any sleep lately? Hate to see you burn out."

Alex turned her head slowly to face him. "I grab naps here mostly, my apartment is too quiet and my moms is out of the questionat the moment."

Billy touched her arm. "Well I have a spare room at my place that's open, if you want some down time just say the word and it's yours no questions asked."

Alex nodded. "Thank you. I might take you up on that offer sometime. Right now I need the routine here to keep me going. Though I'm not going to the pile today, I just can't."

Billy looked at her for a moment. "It's all right, everybody needs their time away for a few hours. "

Alex said "Yeah." Then she sighed softly and looked toward the window across the room.

Billy went to the stove to look for breakfast food. They had frozen cinnamon rolls that a woman down the block had brought over. He got some of them out to defrost and then started to dice potatoes for hash browns and make some pancake batter up with some blueberries. On this day the guys needed some comfort food before they went home or wherever. He started getting hs thigns together.

Alex watched him cook and thought that some woman would be lucky to have him in her life. She poured a mug of coffee and added one cream to it before sitting at the table slowly. It was good to see that for Billy routine mattered. It made her feel a little better about the world right now to just see ordinary things happen in her other home.


	4. Breakfast Chatter

Half an hour later as the guys were eating their breakfast around the table and talking softly to themselves. Lieutenant Johnson spoke up. "Downtown has issued a new shift rotation for the near future. Three days on followed by two off for everybody here." " Walsh and Taylor you get the first break of the crew. Rest and we will see you back here when your time off ends."

"The rest of you I will see tomorrow, you can go to the pile or whatever you wish . I am personally going home while I still have a wife there waiting for me and my own bed. Take care of yourselves out there all right?" He took a plate and went toward his office to change and finish up paperwork for a while before leaving.

Lombardo said" Lieu looks about fried right now, I don't know how he's doing it."

Alex replied" His family needs him maybe so he just finds it someplace inside." She spoke softly and then picked at a cinnamon roll on the pile slowly.

Billy said" Well guess I'll go up and change and get out of here then, if you want a ride Taylor let me know, my Jeep smells better than the subway this time of the morning."

Alex replied" Yeah I'm sure it does, I'll take you up on that. " She had FDNY sweats on with a matching hoodie that zipped in the front. She figured that they would be all right to wear home . She needed a few things from her locker and then she'd be ready. She moved to the window and just looked outside in silence and out of earshot from the other guys.

DK said" You think she has anything on her mind about Walsh?"

Jimmy said" Are you serious? She is dealing with enough right now , they have always been friends , and all of us are too tired to even think about that just now."

DK shrugged. "Well there is just something about how they look at each other I don't know maybe I'm wrong ."

Macnamara said " I'd watch it or she'll kick your ass , she needs friends right now not rumors, just let it be."

DK nodded . "Ok sorry I brought it up, geez. It was just something I wondered about."


	5. Mood Swings

A few minutes later: Billy and Alex came down the stairs, with him in front of her. They moved past the guys and out the door of the firehouse after the second flight of stairs.

For a moment Alex stumbled on the step in front of Billy . He caught her as she started to fall backwards quickly on reflex and just held her for a moment in his arms.

He spoke after a few seconds. "You all right?" "You went a little pale just now on the stairs."

She replied" Just felt lightheaded. I didn't eat much at breakfast and maybe it just got back at me."

Billy nodded. "Well then I know what we are doing as soon as we get to my truck. We are going to the diner and you are getting some breakfast. No arguments, I'm buying. And then you are going to be flat on your back for the rest of the day unless you want me to tie you to your bed."

Alex blinked. "What are you going all mother hen on me now? I just got dizzy, no biggie and you think you know what's best for me because I have one weak moment in front of someone at work. Well thanks but no thanks Billy."

Billy said" So you want to fight with someone then? It's ok you can yell at me until you're blue in the face. It won't change how I feel about you or the fact that I get that you're going through hell right now. Funny thing is there is this blonde firefighter who walked into my firehouse not that long ago and she rocked my world."

He sighed for a moment. "I know I'm not in your league and maybe not something you want right now when your world is upside down, but the thing is I am in love with you and that's the hell of it. I'm not changing my mind even if you don't want me. I'll be your friend and I'll always watch your back. I had to say this or go stir crazy."

Alex stood there looking at him. "So when your Irish flares up it's pretty interesting. I'd wondered about that. I've seen DK upset a few times but his temper is pretty mild. Yours reminds me of my father. Quick to heat up but then once you let go, you cool back down. I don't know what I want right now other than a hot shower and my bed but when I figure it out you'll be the first to know." She touched his forearm gently for a moment.

"I'm sorry I scared you just now. I just need time by myself."


	6. Going Home

Billy said" For now just take the ride home and then we'll go from there. You know my number if you decide you want some dinner or anything later, just call it. "

Alex touched his arm gently. "Thanks if I decide I feel like a Chinese feast I'll call you, right now I need to do some serious laundry and quality bonding with my bed. " She smiled when he stopped in front of her apartment and then opened the passenger side door of his Jeep. She gave him a smile before getting out and going up the few stairs into her apartment slowly.

For a moment Billy watched her go inside and then he drove to his own place three blocks away. His recent new roommate and kitten Cinder came to the door to rub against his ankles and greet him. She was three legged and he'd found her in a pile of newspaper near his trash dumpster and had taken her in. She made the ideal pet with his hours and was fairly decent to own. He lifted her up gently and petted her under the chin. She was gray and had a black stripe across her back and stomach. He poured kitten crunchies into her bowl and gave her fresh water and then cleaned her litter box out . Then he pulled off his shirt to reveal a tank top and left his sweats on for bed .

He headed back the hall after skimming the daily headlines and then dropped into his silver and navy blue colored comforter and curled up falling asleep soundly. He could usually sleep anywhere when he was tired enough.


	7. Wearing Down

Whenever Alex got inside her apartment she looked at the blinking light on her answering machine. She didn't feel like another message from her mother asking her when she was getting on paramedic shifts again. She headed back the hall to her room and stopped at her dresser drawers. She opened a few and then pulled out some flannel pajama bottoms with penguins on them and a tank top in a pale blue color. Her brother Adam had gotten her those two Christmas's ago and said he couldn't find any for women with fire hydrants on them. She had laughed but loved them anyway. They were comfortable and soft when she wasn't going out anywhere or just felt a bit blah.

She opened the lid of her washing machine and then her bag of laundry to toss in to the machine. Socks, underwear and her usual sports bras that were for work only. She had more feminine ones here at home for well when she dated someone. The most recent had been Ty Davis. He was hanging around again lately and she wasn't sure what she wanted to happen or where they were going. She started the machine filling with water and added her detergent to it. Then she headed back to the kitchen and found Tupperware containers of food. She remembered that a few of the neighbors near her mom and her "uncles" on her dads squad had sent food over here. She opened one and found some of Joe Lombardo's baked ziti and put it into her microwave.

She found a bottle of Coke and opened it to drink with her meal. The peace was nice and so was having no eyes on her at the moment. She felt like a china doll sometimes and like everybody was waiting for her to crack into pieces. You didn't have the luxury when you were a Taylor or a female firefighter for that matter. It just wasn't done.

Then her phone rang again. "Alexandra , this is your mother. I know you're home and screening your calls again. Your stubborn Irish is up over your job still. I just wanted to say that it doesn't matter to me if you stay on firefighter duty or not. If you would just talk to me , I hate the silence between us." Then the phone clicked as Beth hung up.

Alex sighed. She was tired and raw and her mother had known it and when to hit with the guilt card. She dialed her mothers number and waited for ann answer on the other end.

"Mom, I just can't fight with you. I want my job and I need it. I know you think I'll end up lost like Daddy but I can't stop living until or if we find him somewhere down there. I need you to understand that and I'm sorry. I'm tired and I have a few days off. I'll try and come over but right now I need some sleep and to get my house in order."

Beth said a few things to her daughter and then she hung up the phone again.

Alex sighed. She missed her father so much and hoped he'd be proud of how she was handling herself in this. More than likely he was gone but until she knew for sure she'd keep going forward and trying to find him. She sat down to eat her dinner and turned the radio on for background noise. Wouldn't anybody give her a break and a hug or two. That wasn't a lot to ask for, not now .


	8. Neutral Ground

Half an hour later: Alex's doorbell buzzed and she wondered who it was at this time of day. The guys she knew were at the firehouse and she hadn't heard from Kim since she'd been well off dealing with Bobby and other things.

She said" Who is it ?" Then a voice replied "Kim, mind if I come in?"

Alex shrugged, wonders never ceased. She moved to the door to unlock it and then saw her friend standing there on her stoop.

"How are you doing Kim, come in and have a seat."

Kim shrugged and moved inside. "I'm doing I guess, I've been down at the pile here and there to help. "

Alex nodded. "I'm there when I can after shifts most nights other than today. Haven't found my father yet but who knows right?"

Kim sighed softly. "Yeah anyway I just wanted to get out of my apartment for a while, Joeys' with my mom and the walls were closing in. Nobody believes it was an accident, I would never kill myself. " Her eyes got moist.

Alex listened. " If you say it was then I believe you, I should have been there for you more than I was. I did care for him once and I sure didn't act like it when the time came."

Kim shrugged. "I'm sorry you have enough happening right now and I come and dump my crap on you like this."

Alex just moved to her refrigerator and opened two bottles of beer handing one to her friend. " Seems like you need that and I'm thirsty right now, since I'm off for a few days who will know if I want a buzz on right?"

Kim took a swallow. "Last time I drank beer I made out with Boscorelli in his mustang. And yes he was good, should have pursued that one."

Alex blinked. " You and Bosco? Wow I never would have guessed, but then he is a bit more wild than Jimmy and he has an exceptional ass , or so I have heard."

Kim smiled. "That he does my friend, I'm glad I did this. I needed a little girl talk and I well missed you." She stood to hug her friend gently.

Alex exhaled slowly . "This is nice, I'm glad you came over. When I get back to work we'll have to go out sometime."

Kim nodded. "That we will, now I'd better get home, I have a small mountain of laundry to do and my mom worries if I don't pick up the phone."

Alex laughed for a moment. "Mine calls me everyday even if I'm not home or when I let the machine pick up. "

Then they said their goodbyes and Kim went home. Alex felt better just for having talked to someone about something neutral for a few minutes, maybe she needed to try that more often.


End file.
